"I knew it wasn't good for me, but somehow it still felt familiar."
I've heard different versions of this sentence many times. Someone finds themselves in another relationship where they feel unseen. Another repeatedly takes on more responsibility than they can realistically manage. Someone else apologises before they've even had a chance to consider whether they've done anything wrong.
Looking back, the pattern often seems obvious. So why do we return to situations that leave us feeling hurt, anxious or exhausted?
It's tempting to assume that we're making poor choices or somehow sabotaging ourselves. But the answer is often more complicated—and more understandable—than that.

Familiar is not the same as comfortable

One of the biggest misconceptions is that we always seek happiness or comfort. In reality, our minds often seek predictability. The familiar—even when it is painful—can feel easier to navigate than the unfamiliar. This doesn't mean we enjoy suffering. It means that our brains are constantly trying to predict what comes next. When a situation resembles something we've experienced many times before, our minds already have a response prepared. That response may no longer serve us well, but it feels known.

Our expectations are built through experience

Over time, we develop expectations about ourselves, other people and relationships. Some of these expectations are helpful. Others develop in circumstances where we were trying to adapt, cope or stay connected.

For example:

If criticism was common, we may become especially alert to signs of disapproval.
If expressing our needs was met with dismissal, we may learn to stay quiet.
If love felt unpredictable, we may become highly sensitive to changes in closeness.

These expectations often become so automatic that we no longer recognise them as expectations. They simply feel like reality.

Familiar patterns can feel strangely "right"

Sometimes people say:

"Part of me knew something wasn't right, but another part felt strangely at home."

This experience can be confusing. What feels familiar isn't necessarily what is healthy. It's what our emotional system has learned to recognise. The unfamiliar, even when it is healthier, can initially feel uncomfortable. A respectful relationship may feel "boring" to someone who has learned to associate love with unpredictability. Setting boundaries may feel selfish to someone who has spent years prioritising everyone else's needs. Receiving kindness may even feel unsettling if criticism has been the norm.

New experiences often feel awkward

This is one of the paradoxes of change. People often expect healthy choices to feel immediately natural. More often, they don't. Trying something different can initially feel uncomfortable precisely because it is different. That discomfort doesn't necessarily mean you've made the wrong choice. Sometimes it simply means your mind is learning that another way of relating is possible.

But… we don't have to stay trapped

Recognising that we are drawn towards familiarity isn't about giving up. It's about understanding the forces that shape our choices.

When we understand these patterns, we become better able to pause and ask:

What feels familiar about this situation?
What expectations have I brought into it?
Am I responding to what is happening now, or to something my mind has learned to anticipate?

These questions don't provide instant answers. But they create the possibility of making choices based on the present, rather than automatically repeating the past.

The familiar can be comforting, even when it hurts. But familiarity is not destiny. With greater awareness, compassion and repeated new experiences, it becomes possible to develop different expectations, different responses and, ultimately, different patterns. Change rarely begins with forcing ourselves to become someone else. More often, it begins by gently recognising what has felt familiar for a long time—and discovering that we now have more choices than we once believed.

Continue exploring

If this article resonated with you, you might also like:

Thinking about therapy?

Meaningful change often begins with understanding—but it rarely ends there. Therapy offers a space to explore the patterns shaping your emotional wellbeing and develop new ways of responding that fit the life you want to live.

Learn more about therapy at Ambertree Psychology

About the author

Shiao-Hua Kwong is a Clinical Psychologist and founder of Ambertree Psychology in Melbourne. She works with adults experiencing mood disorders, anxiety, trauma and relationship difficulties, with a particular interest in understanding the recurring patterns that shape emotional wellbeing.

Why We Return to What Feels Familiar, Even When It Hurts