Think about the last time someone you care about was going through a difficult time. Perhaps they had made a mistake. Maybe they were struggling at work, having difficulties in a relationship, or simply feeling that they weren't coping very well.

What would you say to them? You might listen. You might remind them that one difficult experience doesn't define them. You might help them see the situation from a different perspective. And perhaps, most importantly, you would probably avoid making them feel worse for already struggling.

Now imagine that you were the person going through the same experience. Would you speak to yourself in the same way? For many of us, the answer is no.

We often have two different standards

There can be a striking difference between the compassion we offer others and the compassion we offer ourselves.

We might tell a friend: "Everyone makes mistakes." But when we make one: "How could I have been so careless?"

We might tell someone we love: "You don't have to have everything figured out." Yet when we're uncertain: "I should know what I'm doing by now."

We might reassure someone: "You're doing the best you can." But when we're struggling: "I need to get myself together."

The difference isn't necessarily because we care more about other people than ourselves. Sometimes we simply haven't learned to extend the same understanding inward.

Self-compassion isn't about positive thinking

When people first hear about self-compassion, they sometimes imagine that it means replacing negative thoughts with positive ones.

But self-compassion isn't about convincing ourselves that everything is wonderful.

If you've made a mistake, saying "I'm perfect just as I am" may not feel particularly helpful—or believable. A compassionate response might be much simpler: "I made a mistake. I don't like what happened, but I can learn from it." That's not positive thinking. It's a more balanced way of relating to ourselves.

What would you say to someone you care about?

One simple way to begin developing self-compassion is to pause when you notice your inner critic and ask:

"If someone I cared about were in this situation, what would I say to them?"

This doesn't mean that we should always tell ourselves exactly what we would tell another person. Sometimes we are more lenient with people we care about than we need to be with ourselves. But the question can reveal something useful.

Would you really tell a friend that they're hopeless because they made a mistake?

Would you tell someone you love that they don't deserve kindness because they're struggling?

Would you expect them to cope perfectly while going through something difficult?

If not, why do we sometimes believe these rules should apply to us?

Compassion includes honesty

Being kind to ourselves doesn't mean avoiding difficult truths. Sometimes we do need to acknowledge that we handled something poorly. Perhaps we hurt someone. Perhaps we avoided something important. Perhaps we made a choice that we regret. Self-compassion doesn't require us to pretend otherwise. In fact, genuine compassion makes room for honesty.

We can say: "I wish I had handled that differently." and also: "I can understand why I responded that way."

We can take responsibility without turning responsibility into self-punishment.

Change the question

When something goes wrong, our first question is often: "What's wrong with me?"

A more compassionate question might be: "What happened here?" Instead of: "Why am I so useless?"

We might ask: "What made this difficult for me?" instead of: "Why can't I cope like everyone else?"

We might ask: "What do I need right now?"

These questions don't remove responsibility. They change the starting point from judgement to curiosity. And curiosity gives us more information to work with.

Compassionate doesn't always mean gentle

Sometimes being compassionate towards ourselves means doing something difficult.

It might mean acknowledging that we need to change a behaviour. It might mean setting a boundary. It might mean apologising. It might mean asking for help. It might mean resting instead of pushing ourselves further.

Compassion isn't always about making ourselves feel better.

Sometimes it means doing what is genuinely good for us, even when that isn't what we would most like to do in the moment. Just as a caring friend might tell us something difficult because they care about us, self-compassion can involve both kindness and honesty.

Start with the tone, not the words

You don't need to find the perfect compassionate statement. Sometimes the first step is simply noticing the tone you use with yourself.

Is it harsh? Impatient? Dismissive? Fearful? Demanding?

Then ask whether you could soften it, even slightly.

Instead of: "I should have known better." perhaps: "I wish I'd handled that differently. What can I learn from it?"

Instead of: "I can't cope with this." perhaps: "This is really difficult right now. What would help me get through the next part?"

The situation hasn't changed. But the relationship you have with yourself has.

A different way of being with yourself

Learning to speak to yourself with compassion is not about becoming endlessly positive or telling yourself that everything is okay. It is about becoming someone you can turn towards when things are difficult, rather than someone you need to defend yourself from.

You will still make mistakes. You will still have difficult emotions. You will still have moments when you don't respond in the way you would have hoped. But instead of adding another layer of criticism, you can begin to respond with curiosity, honesty and care.

Perhaps the question isn't whether you can learn to love every part of yourself.

Perhaps a more achievable starting point is this:

Can you learn to stay on your own side when things don't go well?

That may be where self-compassion begins.

If this idea resonated with you...

Understanding self-compassion

Understanding recurring patterns

Thinking about therapy?

Meaningful change often begins with understanding—but it rarely ends there. Therapy offers a space to explore the patterns shaping your emotional wellbeing and develop new ways of responding that fit the life you want to live.

Learn more about therapy at Ambertree Psychology

About the author

Shiao-Hua Kwong is a Clinical Psychologist and founder of Ambertree Psychology in Melbourne. She works with adults experiencing mood disorders, anxiety, trauma and relationship difficulties, with a particular interest in understanding the recurring patterns that shape emotional wellbeing.

Learning to Speak to Yourself Like Someone You Care About