Sometimes the hardest part of learning to be kinder to ourselves is not knowing what self-compassion is. It is allowing ourselves to actually experience it. You might understand that self-compassion is helpful. You might even believe that people deserve kindness when they are struggling.

And yet, when you try to offer that same kindness to yourself, something doesn't quite feel right. It may feel awkward. You may feel undeserving. You might hear a voice saying, "You're just making excuses." Or perhaps being kind to yourself feels strangely unfamiliar.

If this happens, it doesn't mean that you're doing self-compassion wrong. It may simply mean that self-compassion is different from what you have learned to expect from yourself.

Kindness can feel unfamiliar

If you've spent years motivating yourself through criticism, being kind to yourself can initially feel uncomfortable. You may be used to thinking:

"I need to push myself harder."

"I shouldn't be struggling with this."

"Other people manage. I should too."

When that way of relating to yourself has become familiar, replacing it with patience and understanding can feel almost unnatural. We tend to assume that what feels familiar must also be right. But familiar and helpful are not always the same thing. Sometimes a new, healthier way of relating to ourselves feels uncomfortable precisely because it is new.

Sometimes compassion brings us closer to difficult feelings

There is another reason self-compassion can feel uncomfortable. When we stop criticising ourselves, we may become more aware of what lies underneath the criticism. Perhaps the harsh voice has been helping you avoid feeling disappointed, frightened or ashamed. Perhaps keeping busy and demanding more from yourself has helped you avoid noticing how exhausted you really are. Perhaps telling yourself to "just get over it" has been easier than acknowledging how much something has hurt. When the criticism becomes quieter, these feelings can sometimes become more noticeable. That can be unsettling. But it can also be an important part of understanding ourselves more deeply.

You don't have to feel compassionate all the time

Self-compassion is sometimes presented as if we should be able to respond to ourselves with warmth and kindness whenever we are struggling. Real life is rarely so straightforward.

There will be moments when you are impatient with yourself. There will be times when you make a mistake and immediately fall back into old habits of self-criticism. There may even be times when you genuinely don't know how to be kind to yourself. This doesn't mean you have failed at self-compassion.

The practice is not about getting every response right. It is about gradually developing another way of relating to yourself when things are difficult.

Start with something that feels believable

Sometimes very positive statements can feel too far removed from how we actually feel. If you're struggling with shame, telling yourself "I am wonderful exactly as I am" may simply create another voice inside your head that you don't believe.

A gentler starting point might be:

"This is difficult for me right now."

Or:

"I don't have to work everything out today."

Or:

"I made a mistake, and I can still treat myself with respect."

These statements don't ask you to deny what is happening. They simply make room for a little more kindness alongside it.

Self-compassion can coexist with difficult emotions.

Being compassionate towards yourself doesn't mean that you have to feel better immediately. You can be disappointed and compassionate. You can be angry and compassionate. You can feel ashamed and still respond to yourself with kindness. You can recognise that you made a mistake and still believe that you deserve respect. Self-compassion isn't about replacing difficult emotions with positive ones. It is about changing the way we relate to ourselves while those emotions are present.

Give yourself time to learn something new

If self-criticism has been your default response for many years, it is understandable that self-compassion won't feel natural straight away. You are learning a different way of responding to yourself. Like any new way of being, it takes time. Perhaps the first step isn't to feel deeply compassionate towards yourself. Perhaps it is simply to notice when you are being harsh. Then, instead of adding another layer of criticism, you might pause and ask: "Could I respond to myself a little differently this time?"

Sometimes a little differently is enough. Over time, those small moments can begin to change what feels familiar.

Self-compassion doesn't have to feel comfortable to be helpful

We often assume that if something feels uncomfortable, it must not be right. But growth can feel unfamiliar. Learning to set a boundary can feel uncomfortable. Allowing someone to help us can feel uncomfortable. Saying no can feel uncomfortable. And learning to treat ourselves with greater kindness can feel uncomfortable too. The discomfort doesn't necessarily mean that something is wrong. Sometimes it is simply a sign that we are learning something new. Self-compassion may not feel natural at first. It may not even feel particularly comfortable.

But with time, patience and practice, we can begin to discover that we don't have to rely on criticism to motivate ourselves, protect ourselves or make ourselves better.

We can learn another way.

If this idea resonated with you...

Understanding self-compassion

Why Self-Compassion Isn’t Letting Yourself Off the Hook
Why Being Kind to Yourself is Harder Than Being Kind to Others
Learning to Speak to Yourself Like Someone You Care About

Understanding recurring patterns

Thinking about therapy?

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About the author

Shiao-Hua Kwong is a Clinical Psychologist and founder of Ambertree Psychology in Melbourne. She works with adults experiencing mood disorders, anxiety, trauma and relationship difficulties, with a particular interest in understanding the recurring patterns that shape emotional wellbeing.

When Self-Compassion Feels Uncomfortable