Imagine that a close friend came to you after making a mistake. Perhaps they had forgotten an important deadline, argued with someone they loved, or felt they had let somebody down. What would you say? Many of us would respond with understanding.

"You were doing the best you could."

"Everyone makes mistakes."

"That doesn't make you a bad person."

Now imagine saying those same words to yourself. For many people, that's much harder. Instead, the inner dialogue might sound something like this:

"You should have known better."

"How could you be so stupid?"

"Everyone else seems to cope. What's wrong with you?"

It's striking how often we're willing to offer compassion to other people while denying it to ourselves.

Why is that?

Compassion feels natural—until it's directed inward

Most people don't struggle to understand the idea of compassion. When someone we care about is suffering, we naturally want to comfort them, understand what happened, and help them move forward. Yet when we're the one who is hurting, many of us respond very differently. Rather than offering understanding, we judge ourselves. Rather than recognising our distress, we criticise it. Rather than acknowledging our humanity, we expect ourselves to do better. This isn't because we're incapable of self-compassion. More often, it's because we've learned different rules for ourselves than we have for everyone else.

The rules we learn about ourselves

As we grow up, we gradually develop beliefs about what is expected of us. Some people learn that they should always be strong. Others feel they must never disappoint anyone. Some come to believe that making mistakes is unacceptable. Others learn that their worth depends on being successful, helpful or self-sufficient. These beliefs often begin as understandable attempts to adapt to the environments in which we lived. Over time, however, they can become deeply ingrained standards that we apply only to ourselves. Without realising it, we hold ourselves to a standard we would never expect of someone we love.

Why self-criticism can feel safer

One reason self-compassion feels uncomfortable is that self-criticism often has a protective purpose. People rarely criticise themselves simply because they enjoy it. Instead, the inner critic is often trying to prevent something painful from happening.

It might believe:

"If I push myself hard enough, I won't fail."

"If I criticise myself first, nobody else can hurt me."

"If I never become complacent, I'll stay safe."

From this perspective, self-criticism isn't trying to make us miserable. It's trying—however imperfectly—to protect us. Understanding this doesn't mean we have to agree with the inner critic. But it does help us appreciate why letting go of self-criticism can feel surprisingly difficult.

Self-compassion can feel unfamiliar

When we've spent years motivating ourselves through criticism, compassion may initially feel uncomfortable. It may even feel undeserved. Some people worry they're becoming weak. Others fear they'll lose their motivation. Still others feel guilty whenever they treat themselves with kindness. These reactions are understandable. They don't necessarily mean self-compassion is wrong. They may simply reflect that we're learning a different way of relating to ourselves. Like any new way of responding, it can feel unfamiliar before it feels natural.

A different question

Instead of asking, "Why am I so hard on myself?" it may be more helpful to ask, "Where did I learn that this was the way I needed to treat myself?" That question invites curiosity rather than judgement. It acknowledges that our inner dialogue didn't appear from nowhere. Like many of our psychological patterns, it developed for reasons. And what has been learned can also, gradually, be reshaped.

Learning to speak to ourselves with greater kindness isn't about pretending that mistakes don't matter. It's about recognising that growth rarely flourishes in an environment of constant criticism. Just as compassion helps us stay connected to the people we care about, self-compassion helps us stay connected to ourselves. That connection doesn't happen overnight. It develops gradually, one moment of understanding, patience and kindness at a time.

If this idea resonated with you...

Understanding self-compassion

Why Self-Compassion Isn’t Letting Yourself Off the Hook
Learning to Speak to Yourself Like Someone You Care About

Understanding recurring patterns

Thinking about therapy?

Mean ingful change often begins with understanding—but it rarely ends there. Therapy offers a space to explore the patterns shaping your emotional wellbeing and develop new ways of responding that fit the life you want to live.

Learn more about therapy at Ambertree Psychology

About the author

Shiao-Hua Kwong is a Clinical Psychologist and founder of Ambertree Psychology in Melbourne. She works with adults experiencing mood disorders, anxiety, trauma and relationship difficulties, with a particular interest in understanding the recurring patterns that shape emotional wellbeing.

Why Being Kind to Yourself Is Harder Than Being Kind to Others